Does a biological connection make a better parent?
I think alot of adoptees wonder if their lives would have been better if they lived with their biological parents. Not uncommon or unnatural to think this way. Growing up I'd sometimes wonder how my life would have been and now look at my birth siblings and hear the way they were raised. Well I've come to my own conclusion (which I will reveal later in this post), but now I'll let you come to your own conclusion.
Some birthmothers will tell you that their birth children would have been better off with them and that noone can take the place of that biological bond. Maybe so but why? What makes them a better parent? Is it because of the birthing process? Frankly I don't remember going through that process as an infant so that's out. The only one who remembers is the birthmother. Is it the resemblance that one might have with their birth parent(s) or family? Hmmm, I resembled my adoptive brother, so that's a wash. Is it the fact that they think they can love unconditionally? Oh please, I've seen alot of parents who raised their biological children and don't love their kids UNCONDITIONALLY. So that rules that out.
As an adoptee I can't understand mothers who kill their children for their own self satisfaction. There's times that I want to scream and just ask them "what the heck were you thinking?" But then I wonder, would these children have been better off and now alive if they were placed in adoption earlier in life. Maybe not but they'd be alive. I guess that biological bond just didn't matter in those instances. The mother's didn't care that those were their children that they were raising. Makes one wonder doesn't it!
You read about birthmothers who want to kidnap back their children. Ummm let's just damage that kid for their own self serving reasons. Do they even consider the feelings of the child? Of course not.
Then there are birthmothers who really think about what's important.... the child. I respect these women so much because they actually put their feelings aside and did what THEY felt best for the child. Some birthmothers came from families that had so many problems (alcoholism, molestation, abuse, etc) that they wouldn't put their child in those situations. They thought of their children first and foremost. What an original idea!!!
Lastly, there were birthmothers who during the 50's, 60's, 70's that were forced by their parents (not the system) to give up their children because it was shameful back then. I get that. Parents back then were more into their reputation and talk around town then they were of their own children. Okay so why blame the system.
Okay so I've ranted enough for this post.
My conclusion is that I was better off being adopted because I fall under the category where it just wouldn't have been safe for me. My birthmom knew this and although she was offered the help knew that it might become a very un-ideal situation. Although I know that my birthmom would have done a terrific job I hear stories that my siblings tell me. I feel that my life was destiny in the sense that I was raised in a family of love, understanding and that still applies to this day. Although my grandmother (on my adoptive dad's side) did not want them to adopt I did feel the "hate" for the bastard child growing up. But she was a bitter german woman who was set in her ways. My grandpa on the other hand was the opposite. I loved that man and although he's been gone for the last 37 years, there's never a day I don't think about him.
As for being an adoptive mom..... My son means the world to me. I may not understand the way he thinks at times, but what parent does. He's turned out to be a loving man who dreams big. And I've always told him to follow his dreams and never give up on them. He's sensitive, smart and has the cutest cheshire grin. I know that his birthmom would have done a terrific job with him but she was young and already had a young child. My heart goes out to her and the pain that she must be enduring. I hope that one day my son will be able to help relieve her pain just a little by letting her into his life. That's a hard decision was us adoptees. I don't think it's the fact of wanting to hurt your adoptive family but let's face it.... the unknown is pretty scary.
The fact remains that adoptive parents can and probably will make the same mistake(s) that birthparents make. Biology is only of the physical sense and not the emotional. It takes more than biology to be a parent. It takes nurturing, love and compassion. Unfortunately, there's some that have none of these qualities and shouldn't be parents at all.
So what's your conclusion?
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Musing with the Inept...
For years now I have been on the computer reading about adoption and the effects of it. I've read the good stories, the bad stories and the complete rantings of the "inept". Musings of sort from people who can only demean and deface others. While in the same sentence or post try to make themselves out as the martyrs of our society.
I've read blogs where they take religion and politics and turned them into adoption issues. Postings where adoptees are brainwashed and lives are ruined by people who raised them as their own. Sentences where they use the words "self serving" for the adoptive parents and the term "fresh, warm and still damp" babies as those innocent creatures who did not have a say or vote of what happens to them.
As an adoptee, I have the utmost respect and love for my birthmother. I understand and accept the reasons for "HER" decision. I hold no grudges or animosity towards her. I have compassion for her as she has for me. She understands that I have a dual life with another family who raised me as their own and showed me the love and morals that they showed their own birth children. Not once has she said a negative word about them. Not once has she tried to brainwash me into thinking that they are bad people. And frankly I think if she did I would not have the same respect for her.
As an adoptive mom, I have a child who was raised with unconditional love. He attends one of the finest Universitites and I have compassion, love and I understand the hurt and sorrow that his birthmom must have felt and probably is still feeling. I have never said anything negative about his birthmom nor would I ever. What would that accomplish? He will have to form his own opinion and draw his own lines when he does meet them. My hubby and I both encourage our child that it's okay to have feelings about it and that it's okay for him to want to meet his birthfamily. We both feel it's a very important part of his life that we don't want him to miss out. But I will not push him when he's not ready. I will not ask him to live my dream for him to meet them. It's his choice and his feelings about it. But I will always be there for him. No matter what!!!!
So, why this blog???
Because I'm tired of being quiet. I'm tired of birthmothers speaking out for adoptees and adoptive parents. I'm tired of being crucified and not fighting back. This is a way for us to be heard and not have to hear back from them and their martyr attitudes.
I really think that they should look up the word martyr and some of the names behind that title. They don't even come close to them.
On another note please don't miscontrue that this applies to all birthmothers. I've talked to alot of birthmoms who don't share the view of those that are disgruntled. They too are appalled and frankly ashamed to be part of their realm. They don't like the fact that they use the term "all" when it comes to being a birth parent. There's alot of them that didn't like the fact that some went looking for their birth children when they were underage and asked to wait until the child became 18. They understood why but worried for the child. If you think about it some are on the opposite side of the spectrum where they share the same bond. Strange but true.
With that said now I ask you..... Who's self serving?
For years now I have been on the computer reading about adoption and the effects of it. I've read the good stories, the bad stories and the complete rantings of the "inept". Musings of sort from people who can only demean and deface others. While in the same sentence or post try to make themselves out as the martyrs of our society.
I've read blogs where they take religion and politics and turned them into adoption issues. Postings where adoptees are brainwashed and lives are ruined by people who raised them as their own. Sentences where they use the words "self serving" for the adoptive parents and the term "fresh, warm and still damp" babies as those innocent creatures who did not have a say or vote of what happens to them.
As an adoptee, I have the utmost respect and love for my birthmother. I understand and accept the reasons for "HER" decision. I hold no grudges or animosity towards her. I have compassion for her as she has for me. She understands that I have a dual life with another family who raised me as their own and showed me the love and morals that they showed their own birth children. Not once has she said a negative word about them. Not once has she tried to brainwash me into thinking that they are bad people. And frankly I think if she did I would not have the same respect for her.
As an adoptive mom, I have a child who was raised with unconditional love. He attends one of the finest Universitites and I have compassion, love and I understand the hurt and sorrow that his birthmom must have felt and probably is still feeling. I have never said anything negative about his birthmom nor would I ever. What would that accomplish? He will have to form his own opinion and draw his own lines when he does meet them. My hubby and I both encourage our child that it's okay to have feelings about it and that it's okay for him to want to meet his birthfamily. We both feel it's a very important part of his life that we don't want him to miss out. But I will not push him when he's not ready. I will not ask him to live my dream for him to meet them. It's his choice and his feelings about it. But I will always be there for him. No matter what!!!!
So, why this blog???
Because I'm tired of being quiet. I'm tired of birthmothers speaking out for adoptees and adoptive parents. I'm tired of being crucified and not fighting back. This is a way for us to be heard and not have to hear back from them and their martyr attitudes.
I really think that they should look up the word martyr and some of the names behind that title. They don't even come close to them.
On another note please don't miscontrue that this applies to all birthmothers. I've talked to alot of birthmoms who don't share the view of those that are disgruntled. They too are appalled and frankly ashamed to be part of their realm. They don't like the fact that they use the term "all" when it comes to being a birth parent. There's alot of them that didn't like the fact that some went looking for their birth children when they were underage and asked to wait until the child became 18. They understood why but worried for the child. If you think about it some are on the opposite side of the spectrum where they share the same bond. Strange but true.
With that said now I ask you..... Who's self serving?
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