Adoptees and genealogy -

I've been doing genealogy for more than 15 years. Genealogy was used in part of my quest for reunion. But it didn't start out that way.

I started doing my mom's side of genealogy for a family reunion that was going to take place. I found some information and to this day it's still a work in progress. My dad asked if I could work on his line and I took on the challenge thinking that I wouldn't find much because it was a pretty common last name. So off I went on my quest.

In the middle of my search I decided that I was ready to find my biological family. I used the information I already had and with the help of a "search angel" who got two names for me I was able to find the family in 2 days. How's that you ask? LDS has a huge genealogy of families and I knew from previous information that they were LDS. Family preservation is important to LDS. From previous information I was given of my biological family I knew they were of LDS descent. It wasn't until years later that I found that there were alot of plural marriages in the line. Mainly due to the acceptance of it back in the early 1900's.

Back to my dad.... As I delved further into my dad's side, I went back to 1612. I have found over 6,000 individuals and 500+ families. I found famous and history making individuals. All I can say is.... He is from one Amazing family!!!

I found adoptions in the family throughout history dating back to the 1800's. I found teachers and preachers in the past that opened their homes to kids that came from different countries. I found people who made a huge difference in history. But after reading his great grandfather's biography (which is public) I found the love and compassion that the family had in the past that was passed down from generation to generation.

Now I see where my dad gets it. I know that his mom was the bitter old german woman who didn't like me and he seemed to have to prove to her that I was good when I was growing up. I think maybe he was looking for her approval. My grandpa (my dad's dad) was from the history that I was researching. He was the most patient, giving and loving person. He would just ignore my grandmother when it came to me.

I still search on a regular basis and love family histories. Not just mine, not just my adoptive family's but I love delving into the history of all families. Families are not the same. They all have a past and they all have a story to tell.

Just like genealogy, adoption has a story. The history of it may not be good and it may not be bad but the story is usually the same.

Reunion... What have I learned...

I've been reunited with my birthfamily for almost 11 years now. I've learned that the way you were raised may be different but that you need to have understanding, compassion and alot of patience. Reunions are an emotional rollercoaster with no end.

When I first decided to look for them I knew that I had a 50/50 chance of being accepted or rejected. I was one of the lucky ones where I was accepted. Although I found some similarities, there were alot of differences. Differences that I can accept and ones that they accept but...

I've also learned that I needed to draw lines and boundaries. I'm also learning that it's easy for me to walk away and not look back to some of them. Sad but true.

There's lots of blogs about adoptees with their stories and the emotional side of their reunions. Some happy, some sad, and some downright mad and bitter. Everyone will have an emotional side to their reunion. Some blogs where they walked away from one family because of the "genetic" factor in their lives. This just doesn't make sense to me. I need both families in my life. They complete my life. I've answered my questions of my adoption. That was the original intention wasn't it? To get answers.

So what have I learned....

I've learned that although I was raised by another family other than my biological one, genetics aren't everything. There's enough love for both families and that it's okay to have boundaries when it comes to religion, politics, ways of thinking, etc. The emotions I have and the decisions I make are my own and not governed by either family.

My son will one day meet his biological family. When he does I'm sure that he'll set his own boundaries and have his own kind of emotions. That's the norm for us adoptees. I know that's one thing that worries him and I tell him that it's okay.

Yep, I've said it before... Adoption is an emotional rollercoaster. But as an adoptee you make your life and no one controls it but you.

Why bash adoptive parents?

I think the thing that angers me the most is posts that bash adoptive parents. It must make them feel good to do this because they seem to get a big holier than thou attitude about it.

Adoptive parents go through their own pain. Unless you walk in their shoes you will not understand. Just like I will not understand the pain of a birthmom because I haven't walked in their walk. But as an adult there needs to be a respect for one another in the triad. I see two sides of the coin. I know what it's like to be adopted and I know what it's like to adopt a child.

If my birthmom talked the way some of these birthmom's talk on line I would have no respect for her. It would show me that she is more concerned about her feelings. Being a parent does not mean that you have to give birth but it's the raising, nurturing and love that you have for that child.

My husband's grandmother (on his father's side) died at a young age leaving 3 boys behind. Instead of his grandfather raising the boys they were sent to be wards of the state (one being my husband's father). Was it because there was no family? NO... Was it because he couldn't take care of them? NO... It was because he was a mean "bastard". My husband remembers his grandfather beating up his 3rd wife on the front lawn. He remembers how mean he was to my husband and his brother. He remembers how mean he was to his other children from his 3rd wife. So, what's the excuse there? Those boys were left in a boys home until they came of age. Some life, huh? His father even had alot of animosity towards the situation. I never really got a chance to talk with him about it but the stories I hear would curl your hair. Don't you think that they deserved a family to love them?

So why all the animosity?

It just doesn't make sense to me. I understand the BSE era. I get that. But why the anger all these years? Why take it out on the adoptive parents? What would have happened if there was no such thing as adoption yet the same rules applied as far as keeping the child? What would have happened to the child? Certain countries have the 1 child rule. Would you be able to do away with that child knowing that the government would not allow you to keep it? Remember there's no such thing as adoption so what do you think would have happened to that child? I guess I should be greatful that I'm alive. The world's population would be much smaller than it is right now.

Makes one wonder doesn't it.

Some blogs you will find them using the excuse of adoptive parents abusing and killing their children. This is definitely wrong and they shouldn't be parents. But what about the natural mothers who do the same thing? Does that make it okay? Let's ask little Caylee Anthony. Oh that's right she's sleeping with angels right now.

Not all people should be parents. But there's some that can't raise their children because of whatever reason and some that want families and can't for their own reasons. Neither should be criticized because it's the child that we should be concerned about.

My son is my world. He's one of the best things that came into my life. Maybe it was a little easier because I knew how to deal with questions and such. I love him unconditionally and although I don't agree with everything that he does, he is his own being and makes decisions that's best for him now that he's grown. I accept things and support him.

I'm proud to be an adoptive parent. I'm proud to be an adoptee. I'm proud of the person that I became. There's a reason for everything. Fate has a way of waking us up.

You're Kidding.... Right????

Have you ever come across a person that talks out of both sides of their mouth????

Annoying at best isn't it. But what about the person who will belittle and berate you for your opinions, tell you that you're wrong and then turn around and put on their blog that they don't attack nor judge anyone with other opinions. To me that's a "whack job" with a definite personality disorder. Makes one wonder about their stories and opinions.

Another thing I find amusing is how a person can sit there and write that everyone is welcome to write their own opinions on their own personal blogs but to be careful of "libel". But if you look at that person's blog you will find nothing but "quoted" information from other blogs and then criticism right underneath it. Makes one wonder if that person is really stable or a loose cannon. I tend to think that it's the latter.

I shoot straight from the hip. I will not mince words. So let's start blogging.....

Goodbye my sweet aunt "F" -

In January I lost my aunt "F". She was one of the most sweetest and giving person I've ever met in my life next to my adoptive mom.

My aunt had 3 down syndrome children. She lost her first when "K" was 6 months old back in the late 40's. She raised her other two until their deaths in 2002 and 2009. She had the most unconditional love for them and her family.

When I moved to the central valley back in 2002 I had the opportunity to visit with my aunt frequently and was there for her and my cousin. My aunt is the only sibling of my dad and he worried with my aunt aging and trying to care for my cousin, who was now in her 50's, alone. When my cousin was put into a convalesent home it crushed my aunt more than words could say. She couldn't drive on the highway anymore so I ensured that she was able to see her daughter everyday.

My aunt and I were with my cousin the afternoon before she passed. We were visiting her and my cousin was in and out of it. Everytime she was coherent she's say "hey turn back on the light". Then she would sit up in her bed and try to look around me (I was sitting at the foot of her bed) and wave with this huge smile on her face. As I took my aunt home it dawned on me.... The light, waving as though someone was standing behind me and the smile on her face told me that the end was near. That evening I received a call from my aunt that my cousin had passed. She was devastated.

Months later my aunt was starting to forget things. One evening my hubby and I called her and started worrying because it was after dark and she had a doctor's appointment earlier that day and hadn't returned. We headed towards the house. When we got there the house was dark and no sign of my aunt. I called my dad and was ready to put a missing persons report out on my aunt. Then a cab pulled up. My aunt asked "what are you doing here sweetheart"? I told her that we were worried. Jeff asked her where was her car and she said that she couldn't find it. Come to find out that she left it at the medical building telling the security people that the car right in front was NOT her car. Jeff and I headed over and found her car parked right in front of the building. When we returned she was munching on some chicken and said, "oh, you found it". That's when I knew that something was really wrong. She acted like nothing was wrong.

I received a call 2 days later from my aunt's neighbor saying that she was running down the street after her daughter in her nightgown. Impossible because her daughter was now deceased. I immediately took her to the emergency room for an evaluation. My aunt didn't know the date nor the year. After some testing they said that she couldn't live alone anymore.

I placed her in one of the best facilities. It was a facility where their specialty was for memory patients. She had a beautiful room with a nice bath attached. The dining room was elegant and there were marble tables and paintings that lined the halls of the facility. They had happy hour on Fridays with singing. They had a Wii system and discussion groups. After about a year she started deteriorating and calling the police saying that she was kidnapped and such. We finally put her in the special care unit so they could keep a better eye on her. She needed full time care now.

My aunt feared dying alone and being alone. I made her a promise years prior that I would not let that happen. I loved her and wanted only the best for her.

I visited as much as possible (about every other day). Finally the end started happening and she went into a semi-coma 3 days before she died. My dad didn't even have a chance to say good-bye to her because it happened so fast. He had planned on coming to see her on that Friday, but she passed suddenly on that Thursday afternoon.

I'm relieved that she's in a better place but miss her dearly. I miss talking with her. Picking her brain about stories of her past for the family tree. I miss her laughter and the way she'd ask the same question every 5 minutes because she couldn't remember.

I guess God needed another angel. Sleep with the angels Aunt "F". I love and miss you. Thank you for your unconditional love that you showed me and my family. Thank you for just being you!!!