Why I Searched

I guess that my first thoughts of searching were when I was a teenager. Every adopted person has questions in the back of their mind.

Even though I was adopted I resembled my older brother who was a natural son of my parents. I also had a little sister who was 3 years younger than I who also was a natural daughter of my parents. My sister didn't resemble anyone in the family much and my brother used to tease her telling her that she was the adopted one and not me. Thinking back it wasn't very nice of him, but she was the brat little sister - KWIM?

I got married very young. In fact "J" and I met in February and he proposed in April on my birthday and we were married in June of the same year in the early 80's. Some call it a whirlwind romance. I call it pure LUCK that it's lasted this long.

I got pregnant right after we were engaged and lost it almost half way through the pregnancy. Got pregnant again almost right after and same thing. We were devastated. The doctors couldn't find anything medically wrong with me. They told us the usual "just relax". But in 1985 my world was flipped upside down.

I started having really bad pains in my lower right side. At first we thought it was appendicitis and "J" would rush me to the emergency room. They'd run test after test and come back with a Demerol injection and tell me to go home that they couldn't find anything wrong. The pain would cease for a month or two then come back with a vengance. The emergency room knew me pretty well and would tell me the same thing (shoot me up with Demerol and send me home). During this time we were seeing a fertility specialist as to why I kept miscarrying and then couldn't get pregnant. She asked about medical history and it dawned on me - I HAVE NONE!!! She put me on fertility drugs and such. My hormones were raging and completely out of control. I'm surprised "J" didn't leave - lol. Poor guy. He knew when to hit the bar for a beer or go work out in the studio.

In December of 1985 the pain came back and this time it didn't leave. I suffered with it for 2 weeks through the Christmas Holiday because the hospital kept telling me it was in my mind. I finally called my fertility specialist and she told me to meet her in the ER. So, there we were, New Year's Eve in the ER. I couldn't sit, walk, lay down, keep anything in my stomach, I was dehydrated and was basically doubled up. That's when she did an ultra sound (something none of the doctors before did) and found that I had a mass in my stomach. She thought it was a cyst and put me on birth control pills in hopes that it would shrink and be removable. She wanted to hospitalize me that night but I refused. It was New Year's Eve and I really wanted to be home with "J". They sent me home with massive pain pills and something to take so I could at least keep water in my system. I waited until January 6th and went back to the doctor because I just couldn't bear the pain anymore. The pain pills weren't helping and I was miserable and ready to cut myself open and take out whatever was in there (seriously that painful).

She scheduled the surgery for the 8th and I headed over to the hospital for all the tests. That in itself was a comedy. I have very very small veins and they roll and collapse when they try to draw blood. Well they wanted to do an IVP where they shoot dye into your veins to see where the kidneys and lines that run to the bladder are set. They couldn't find a vein. I was miserable with pain and scared out of my mind. I hated and still hate needles. They wouldn't let "J" come in with me because it was in the radiology department and I wanted out of there. Well, this doctor came in and I recognized him. He was the one who did the hystersolpingogram on me previously. If you've ever had one - UGH it's painful. Anyway he remembered me because I wouldn't let him run that specific test for the 5th time because I was in so much pain. So he decided to get even and said to me, "if I can't find a vein in your arm, I'm going for your neck". That was all it took, I flew off the table and headed down the hallways holding the gown together in the back (I swear this is a true story). All of a sudden I heard my name paged telling me to pick up the "white phone". Well I finally found a "white phone" and picked it up. It was my doctor trying to console me and telling me how they need the test done in order to do surgery. I was in tears and shaking. I loved my doctor because she understood as a woman what I was experiencing. "J" found me in the hallway and came to my rescue. He joked with me to point out the doctor and he'd knock him around a little - LOL. Anyway, they got a an expert needle person in there and they finally found a vein in my arm (I was black and blue for weeks after that).

The morning of the 8th, I signed for 5 different surgeries. My doctor wasn't sure what she would find when she went in there. I could except anything from small incisions to full blown zipper. Well, luck wasn't with me.... I have a nice sized scar on my tummy from them having to do major surgery. They found that my left tube was the size of a grapefruit (11cm) and twisted. The other tube's fimbria was tucked in and fused. So they removed my left tube but left the right one in (even though damaged) because of my age at the time and possible microsurgery.

My hubby and mom were there for me when I finally got in my room. The doctor came in and we were discussing what happened (well they were actually, I was in and out of it). They said that everything was normal except for the size. They ran tests and found NO diseases or anything (i.e. clomidia, etc). She said that I was a text book page because they can't figure it out and said that I might have been born with a defect and as I matured it progressed.

Those words came out again as to "Do you have any medical information?" Those words kept haunting me because I wondered if it was something hereditary. So I decided to search....

I sent my information to the agency and they sent me the Mutual Consent Forms. I signed them and sent everything off. Then a wave of panic crossed over me. I can't explain it, but at that moment I thought that I had made a huge mistake signing that paper. I mean I wanted to meet my birthmom, but through a 2 way mirror where I can see her, but she can't see out. So, I rescinded the form and asked them to pull it from my file.

It wasn't until 14 years later that I finally resolved to the fact that I needed to search for my own ease of mind. I wanted to know things. Did I have any siblings, medical information, who did I resemble, etc. Actually, I didn't want to know these things I HAD to know these things.