Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Columbia
After my surgery we contemplated on micro-surgery to repair the fused fimbria. But after speaking with doctor after doctor and finally a specialist in micro-surgery it was determined that if we went ahead with the surgery there would be an almost 95% chance of a tubal pregnancy with possible life threatening repercussions. We then looked into in-vitro. Back in the late 80's they would attempt 3 times at $7k/ea with no guarantees. Fine and dandy, but I had already been poked and prodded more than I care to mention. I was tired of the tests, injections, pills and hormone tweeks. It was time to stop tormenting my body any further and just let sleeping dogs lie. That's the hardest thing to do when you want a family. But when you're cornered into something beyond your total control and genetic make up you have to make peace with what you have in front of you instead of your dreams.
My DH worked at a children's hospital back in the 80's. I even worked in the parent house on the weekends. The parent house was there for parents and family of trauma patients that live 100 or more miles away from the hospital. It was a safe and quiet haven for them. A place where they could rest and yet be close to their child who was critically ill. I became close with these parents and sat many a night up with them easing their minds and letting them get some of their frustrations out in words. It made my heart feel good to know that I could be there.
In 1987 my DH was approached by an employee at the hospital whose native home was Columbia, South America. She asked us if we'd like to adopt in her country. Her sister was doing an emergency foster parenting of a 2 day old. The mother of the child could not (for whatever reason) raise the child and wanted the baby to be raised in America. The relinquishment papers were already signed before we were called and she was made a ward. They then immediately gave us guardianship which was also signed by the birthmom. But there was still alot of road ahead of us to travel before picking up this beautiful baby girl who we named Kristina.
Although very nervous about the whole situation, our attorney referred us to an attorney that specialized in international law. He confirmed that everything was on the up and up. We then proceeded to start the process.
The United States government would not allow me or dh out of the states to care for the baby until everything was completed (international homestudy, background check, psych, passports, visas, etc.) so we started the grueling process.
Background check was pretty simplistic since I already held a "Secret" clearance through the government. I was a tech writer for a civilian engineering firm that contracted through the Navy. The international homestudy, home checks and psych tests started and was lengthy. We applied for our passports and began the Visa process for Kristina.
During this whole time we hired a foster family in a little town outside of Bogota to care for Kristina. We sent money, clothes, food and some basic furniture needs to help them out. I so wanted to just hop on a plane and go, but knew that I couldn't.
Time was going by fast and before we knew it Kristina was 6 months old. We called (using a translator) and sent letters. Receiving updates and pictures was an on-going thrill for us while we waited and the feeling of helplessness came over us time and time again.
Right after Kristina turned 6 months old everything was complete. Visa was in place, passports were ready, plane tickets bought, hotel reserved and homestudy and all associated paperwork was in the last stages of being translated before going to the Columbian Consolate. We were packing our bags and ready to jet out at a moments notice. That is until we received a call....
I'll never forget the day. The was about 7:00 a.m. and I was getting ready for work when the phone call rang. It was the foster parents calling us via the translator to inform us that they decided that they wanted to adopt Kristina. My heart just dropped and I didn't know what to say. My mind went blank and I guess I turned white as a sheet because dh grabbed the phone and talked with them. He told them that we'd get back with them later in the day and hung up the phone.
We called our attorney and he told us that we did have legal guardianship but if they wanted to take it further it could turn into a 3 or more year battle in Columbia. The battle would be uphill most of the way not in our complete favor because of the on-goings in Columbia during that time. So we went to the hospital and talked with a couple of doctors in the psych department there. The last thing we wanted was to put this little innocent child through a battle. Our attorney did some checking for us to make sure that the family was on the up and up.
It was decided that afternoon that we would not fight but relinquish our guardianship and hope that Kristina would be raised with the same love and family in her native country. It broke our hearts and we were very sad and maybe just a little bit angry. We felt used for those 6 months. But deep down inside I know that we made the right decision. About a week after our decision we received an article from Bogota. It had no return address on the envelope. It had two pictures on it. The left pictures showed the bomb squad checking out a store front. The right picture showed the after effects and remains of the squad after the explosion. We're not sure what that meant, but whatever it was... it wasn't good.
We often think of Kristina. We hope and pray that she's happy, healthy and was raised with love and compassion.
What about my birthfather?????
That's a very good question. The man named on my birth certificate was a friend of the family that ended up marrying my birthmom's sister six months after my birth. The same man who said that he knew nothing of me, yet must have known that his wife's sister was pregnant. And that they DID have a fling. Very Odd indeed.....
My birthmom called him after we were reunited and explained that I could indeed be his daughter because of the one night stand that they shared so many years ago. It was then that the realization that he could have another daughter hit home. He called me and asked for a meeting. This put a little terror in me because my birthmom was in another state and I would be doing this on my own.
We decided to meet in the town where both he and my birthmom grew up. This way I could meet two aunts (M & C) for the first time. We arrived about 7:00 a.m. in a sleepy little town in the mountains. It was odd thinking that this was the place where I could have been raised. As I looked around I noticed the small community with little happening that early in the morning. My dh said that must have been why I have a love for the mountains and peaceful settings.
We met at my aunt M's house for breakfast. It was there that I met C as well. They were nothing like my birthmom. They were definitely more outspoken and opinionated than my birthmom. I felt a little uneasy at the declaration of my aunt M who was very apologetic about my adoption. It was almost as though she was trying to clear her conscience. Both her and C were truck drivers and were on the road when I came about. They had no clue until after the adoption and were apologetic for not being there for me. I tried as best as I could to ease their minds by letting them know that I was happy and raised in a great atmosphere with a loving family. I think in some strange way it eased their minds a little. But let me tell you.... they sure had it out for J (the man listed as my father). This was one man that they DID NOT like.
We visited for some time getting to know each other. We talked about our families and lives. They also gave me some inside information about the family which helped explain alot. Several hours later it was time to meet J at a restaurant in town. He was going to be there with his third wife (2nd wife died) daughter and one of his sons. His other son was refusing to show up because he thought I was some gold digger out for money. I really couldn't blame him. Who was I to disturb this family? Was I doing the right thing? Although my intentions were good, some read more into a situation than others.
J was a nice looking man with the same color eyes as myself. My birthmom and all my siblings (and actually all my aunts and uncles) had blue eyes. I am the oddball because my eyes are hazel and actually lean more towards green. J stared at me looking for resemblances as I too looked to see if there was some genetic connection. His wife stated that our facial features were very similar. As we sat and talked I looked up to notice my two aunts had followed us to the restaurant and were sitting there having cocktails. It was like they were waiting to beat the hell out of this poor guy. It was funny, but made both J and I very nervous. Gotta love 'em. Their hearts were in the right place, but their brains just weren't there. Before a confrontation could be had, I went over and told them that I was disappointed in their actions and that if they started anything I would not speak with either of them again. They retorted with they were there to "protect" me from this man. Apparently, when J was married to my aunt N they had a very tumulous and alcoholic marriage. But J had been sober for years as was N. J was very gallant with the aunts and asked them to sit with us. Let me tell ya, that was very brave because I wouldn't want to meet these two aunts in a dark alley.
It was there we decided to confirm if J was indeed my birthfather through DNA testing. It was also decided that no matter what we had a friendship between my family and his.
About 2 months later.....
J and I had the tests run. He in his town and I in mine. We both sat on pins and needles. I have never in my life felt so anxious and nervous. I received the news on a Friday. It was determined that J was NOT my birthfather. To tell you the truth I was devastated and so was J. We cried together on the phone because both he and I wanted it to be true. We had become very close. His kids took it pretty hard as well. I felt really bad because I intruded on this poor man's life and gave him a disappointment of a lifetime.
So now what??????
I called my birthmom and we talked. She apologized and cried about how she wasn't true when she put his name down. It was between him and another guy who was also a one night stand set up by her brother right before they both left for Vietnam. Neither came home. They both died in Vietnam. And the real sad part? My birthmom can't remember his name, only a nickname that he had. So, now I may never know. Am I disappointed? Sure. Mad? Maybe just a little. Something is just not right with the story that I have been given. I think there's more to this and I may never be given the answer. It may go to the grave.
But such is life. I have my DAD. The most wonderful, caring and loving father I will ever know. We may not be genetically connected, but we're connected in every sense as Father and Daughter!!!
That's a very good question. The man named on my birth certificate was a friend of the family that ended up marrying my birthmom's sister six months after my birth. The same man who said that he knew nothing of me, yet must have known that his wife's sister was pregnant. And that they DID have a fling. Very Odd indeed.....
My birthmom called him after we were reunited and explained that I could indeed be his daughter because of the one night stand that they shared so many years ago. It was then that the realization that he could have another daughter hit home. He called me and asked for a meeting. This put a little terror in me because my birthmom was in another state and I would be doing this on my own.
We decided to meet in the town where both he and my birthmom grew up. This way I could meet two aunts (M & C) for the first time. We arrived about 7:00 a.m. in a sleepy little town in the mountains. It was odd thinking that this was the place where I could have been raised. As I looked around I noticed the small community with little happening that early in the morning. My dh said that must have been why I have a love for the mountains and peaceful settings.
We met at my aunt M's house for breakfast. It was there that I met C as well. They were nothing like my birthmom. They were definitely more outspoken and opinionated than my birthmom. I felt a little uneasy at the declaration of my aunt M who was very apologetic about my adoption. It was almost as though she was trying to clear her conscience. Both her and C were truck drivers and were on the road when I came about. They had no clue until after the adoption and were apologetic for not being there for me. I tried as best as I could to ease their minds by letting them know that I was happy and raised in a great atmosphere with a loving family. I think in some strange way it eased their minds a little. But let me tell you.... they sure had it out for J (the man listed as my father). This was one man that they DID NOT like.
We visited for some time getting to know each other. We talked about our families and lives. They also gave me some inside information about the family which helped explain alot. Several hours later it was time to meet J at a restaurant in town. He was going to be there with his third wife (2nd wife died) daughter and one of his sons. His other son was refusing to show up because he thought I was some gold digger out for money. I really couldn't blame him. Who was I to disturb this family? Was I doing the right thing? Although my intentions were good, some read more into a situation than others.
J was a nice looking man with the same color eyes as myself. My birthmom and all my siblings (and actually all my aunts and uncles) had blue eyes. I am the oddball because my eyes are hazel and actually lean more towards green. J stared at me looking for resemblances as I too looked to see if there was some genetic connection. His wife stated that our facial features were very similar. As we sat and talked I looked up to notice my two aunts had followed us to the restaurant and were sitting there having cocktails. It was like they were waiting to beat the hell out of this poor guy. It was funny, but made both J and I very nervous. Gotta love 'em. Their hearts were in the right place, but their brains just weren't there. Before a confrontation could be had, I went over and told them that I was disappointed in their actions and that if they started anything I would not speak with either of them again. They retorted with they were there to "protect" me from this man. Apparently, when J was married to my aunt N they had a very tumulous and alcoholic marriage. But J had been sober for years as was N. J was very gallant with the aunts and asked them to sit with us. Let me tell ya, that was very brave because I wouldn't want to meet these two aunts in a dark alley.
It was there we decided to confirm if J was indeed my birthfather through DNA testing. It was also decided that no matter what we had a friendship between my family and his.
About 2 months later.....
J and I had the tests run. He in his town and I in mine. We both sat on pins and needles. I have never in my life felt so anxious and nervous. I received the news on a Friday. It was determined that J was NOT my birthfather. To tell you the truth I was devastated and so was J. We cried together on the phone because both he and I wanted it to be true. We had become very close. His kids took it pretty hard as well. I felt really bad because I intruded on this poor man's life and gave him a disappointment of a lifetime.
So now what??????
I called my birthmom and we talked. She apologized and cried about how she wasn't true when she put his name down. It was between him and another guy who was also a one night stand set up by her brother right before they both left for Vietnam. Neither came home. They both died in Vietnam. And the real sad part? My birthmom can't remember his name, only a nickname that he had. So, now I may never know. Am I disappointed? Sure. Mad? Maybe just a little. Something is just not right with the story that I have been given. I think there's more to this and I may never be given the answer. It may go to the grave.
But such is life. I have my DAD. The most wonderful, caring and loving father I will ever know. We may not be genetically connected, but we're connected in every sense as Father and Daughter!!!
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
The Meeting
The day started like any other day, but I had butterflies in my tummy fluttering like nothing before. I thought maybe I was still full from the delicious and wonderful Thanksgiving meal my mom had prepared the evening before. But I knew these butterflies weren't fullness, but nerves. I was to meet a woman that carried me for nine months. A woman that knew my history before my birth. A woman that made the most heart wrenching decision a woman can make. I was to meet my birthmom.
We readied ourselves in the late morning to set out on our hour long drive to a destination that would change all of our lives. My nerves were getting worse as time grew nearer and decided to take a Xanax to take the edge off of me. I know that's terrible, but hey, everybody needs a little help now and then.
My hubby and I decided before we left that we wanted to stop at this little shop and get 2 dozen long stem red roses. I didn't want my mom to see and kept her occupied while hubby bought the flowers. We drove in separate cars because hubby, our son and I would be remaining at our destination for the weekend and my mom was going to go back home that evening.
We arrived and I just kind of sat in the car because a wave of fear came over me. Although I had spoken with my birthmom for over a month, I still feared the unknown. My mom reassured me that everything will be fine and that she'll be there for me. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. Thank God for my mom. She's always been there for me and probably always will be. I'm priviledged to have her in my life and to be able to call her "mom" and "friend".
I finally got my composure together and we started up the walkway to a home that belonged to my birthmom and hubby's friend. They were kind in allowing this to happen in their home. The door opened and we were escorted into the living room. There I saw what was like a mirror image of me. Same hair and smile. We hugged and told each other that it had been a "long" time. I was surprised that neither of us had broken down. Actually, now I look back and realize that both of us are really strong in the way we handle situations. I introduced her to my mom and they hugged and got teary eyed.
My brother "L" was there to greet me along with my sister "C" from Texas. This was our first meeting for us. Around the corner comes another guy handing me flowers. Come to find out that it was my brother "D" from Oregon who told me that he couldn't make it, but decided to surprise me instead. I have to say that the memory of my day has been etched in my mind forever.
Once things kind of settled down I had my hubby go to the car and get the flowers. I wanted to give the mothers something to remember for the rest of their lives. I know the reunion was probably enough, but wanted them to have something that they could press in a book or something (which both of them did). I presented each mother with the long stem roses explaining that each will have a special place in my heart. I have to say it was a special touch to the day.
My mom brought photo albums for my birthmom and siblings to see me growing up. My birthmom gave me several photos of all the aunts and uncles. I looked at them and again, saw me in acouple of them. It was truly remarkable. We sat and looked through them for hours laughing, talking and enjoyed a wonderful dinner prepared by the owners of the home who out of the kindness of their hearts opened their home to all of us. It was like we all knew each other for years.
As the sun was about to set my mom decided it was time for her to travel back home. I can't explain it, but although I felt comfortable with everyone, my mom was like my "saving grace" and I really didn't want her to leave, but she felt that I really needed "alone" time with them. I respected her wishes and walked her out to her car. As we were talking she said that she had "met them somewhere before". She just couldn't put her finger on it. She gave me a hug and said that they were "wonderful" and that I should enjoy myself. I gave her a hug and then watched her drive away. The butterflies were back but not as bad.
We sat and talked for a little while more and my hubby decided to go get our room at the hotel. My birthmom and her hubby were tired with all the excitement and us "kids" were "amped to the gill" wanting to know everything about one another. So, we decided to take the younger kids roller skating to give us bigger "kids" a chance to get to know each other. We talked, laughed and joked around for hours. Finally it was time for us to part for the evening and say goodnight.
We went back to our hotel room and I was looking at the picutres that "J" my birthmom had given me of the aunts and uncles. There were 13 aunts and uncles (not including "J") all together. 3 of them were deceased already (1 died in Vietnam, 1 died of brain cancer, and 1 died due to injuries after a fight). I kept looking at "J"s sister "N" the one I thought was my birthmom. There was something about her. I pulled a picture of me when I was her age in the picture and it was like twins. My hubby took a look and was completely astonished.
The next day we went back to the home of their friends and all of us were preparing breakfast when "J" and her hubby said something that just completely astonished me. They both said "we've met your mom somewhere, but can't put our finger on it". I was floored. I told them that my mom had said the same thing the previous evening before departing for home. Anyway, we spent the whole weekend getting to know one another. When we were ready to leave we hugged and promised that we'd call, e-mail and see each other when we could. I mean gosh, I had 3 more siblings and lots of aunts and uncles to meet..... And the journey continues
The day started like any other day, but I had butterflies in my tummy fluttering like nothing before. I thought maybe I was still full from the delicious and wonderful Thanksgiving meal my mom had prepared the evening before. But I knew these butterflies weren't fullness, but nerves. I was to meet a woman that carried me for nine months. A woman that knew my history before my birth. A woman that made the most heart wrenching decision a woman can make. I was to meet my birthmom.
We readied ourselves in the late morning to set out on our hour long drive to a destination that would change all of our lives. My nerves were getting worse as time grew nearer and decided to take a Xanax to take the edge off of me. I know that's terrible, but hey, everybody needs a little help now and then.
My hubby and I decided before we left that we wanted to stop at this little shop and get 2 dozen long stem red roses. I didn't want my mom to see and kept her occupied while hubby bought the flowers. We drove in separate cars because hubby, our son and I would be remaining at our destination for the weekend and my mom was going to go back home that evening.
We arrived and I just kind of sat in the car because a wave of fear came over me. Although I had spoken with my birthmom for over a month, I still feared the unknown. My mom reassured me that everything will be fine and that she'll be there for me. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. Thank God for my mom. She's always been there for me and probably always will be. I'm priviledged to have her in my life and to be able to call her "mom" and "friend".
I finally got my composure together and we started up the walkway to a home that belonged to my birthmom and hubby's friend. They were kind in allowing this to happen in their home. The door opened and we were escorted into the living room. There I saw what was like a mirror image of me. Same hair and smile. We hugged and told each other that it had been a "long" time. I was surprised that neither of us had broken down. Actually, now I look back and realize that both of us are really strong in the way we handle situations. I introduced her to my mom and they hugged and got teary eyed.
My brother "L" was there to greet me along with my sister "C" from Texas. This was our first meeting for us. Around the corner comes another guy handing me flowers. Come to find out that it was my brother "D" from Oregon who told me that he couldn't make it, but decided to surprise me instead. I have to say that the memory of my day has been etched in my mind forever.
Once things kind of settled down I had my hubby go to the car and get the flowers. I wanted to give the mothers something to remember for the rest of their lives. I know the reunion was probably enough, but wanted them to have something that they could press in a book or something (which both of them did). I presented each mother with the long stem roses explaining that each will have a special place in my heart. I have to say it was a special touch to the day.
My mom brought photo albums for my birthmom and siblings to see me growing up. My birthmom gave me several photos of all the aunts and uncles. I looked at them and again, saw me in acouple of them. It was truly remarkable. We sat and looked through them for hours laughing, talking and enjoyed a wonderful dinner prepared by the owners of the home who out of the kindness of their hearts opened their home to all of us. It was like we all knew each other for years.
As the sun was about to set my mom decided it was time for her to travel back home. I can't explain it, but although I felt comfortable with everyone, my mom was like my "saving grace" and I really didn't want her to leave, but she felt that I really needed "alone" time with them. I respected her wishes and walked her out to her car. As we were talking she said that she had "met them somewhere before". She just couldn't put her finger on it. She gave me a hug and said that they were "wonderful" and that I should enjoy myself. I gave her a hug and then watched her drive away. The butterflies were back but not as bad.
We sat and talked for a little while more and my hubby decided to go get our room at the hotel. My birthmom and her hubby were tired with all the excitement and us "kids" were "amped to the gill" wanting to know everything about one another. So, we decided to take the younger kids roller skating to give us bigger "kids" a chance to get to know each other. We talked, laughed and joked around for hours. Finally it was time for us to part for the evening and say goodnight.
We went back to our hotel room and I was looking at the picutres that "J" my birthmom had given me of the aunts and uncles. There were 13 aunts and uncles (not including "J") all together. 3 of them were deceased already (1 died in Vietnam, 1 died of brain cancer, and 1 died due to injuries after a fight). I kept looking at "J"s sister "N" the one I thought was my birthmom. There was something about her. I pulled a picture of me when I was her age in the picture and it was like twins. My hubby took a look and was completely astonished.
The next day we went back to the home of their friends and all of us were preparing breakfast when "J" and her hubby said something that just completely astonished me. They both said "we've met your mom somewhere, but can't put our finger on it". I was floored. I told them that my mom had said the same thing the previous evening before departing for home. Anyway, we spent the whole weekend getting to know one another. When we were ready to leave we hugged and promised that we'd call, e-mail and see each other when we could. I mean gosh, I had 3 more siblings and lots of aunts and uncles to meet..... And the journey continues
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