Adoptees and genealogy -

I've been doing genealogy for more than 15 years. Genealogy was used in part of my quest for reunion. But it didn't start out that way.

I started doing my mom's side of genealogy for a family reunion that was going to take place. I found some information and to this day it's still a work in progress. My dad asked if I could work on his line and I took on the challenge thinking that I wouldn't find much because it was a pretty common last name. So off I went on my quest.

In the middle of my search I decided that I was ready to find my biological family. I used the information I already had and with the help of a "search angel" who got two names for me I was able to find the family in 2 days. How's that you ask? LDS has a huge genealogy of families and I knew from previous information that they were LDS. Family preservation is important to LDS. From previous information I was given of my biological family I knew they were of LDS descent. It wasn't until years later that I found that there were alot of plural marriages in the line. Mainly due to the acceptance of it back in the early 1900's.

Back to my dad.... As I delved further into my dad's side, I went back to 1612. I have found over 6,000 individuals and 500+ families. I found famous and history making individuals. All I can say is.... He is from one Amazing family!!!

I found adoptions in the family throughout history dating back to the 1800's. I found teachers and preachers in the past that opened their homes to kids that came from different countries. I found people who made a huge difference in history. But after reading his great grandfather's biography (which is public) I found the love and compassion that the family had in the past that was passed down from generation to generation.

Now I see where my dad gets it. I know that his mom was the bitter old german woman who didn't like me and he seemed to have to prove to her that I was good when I was growing up. I think maybe he was looking for her approval. My grandpa (my dad's dad) was from the history that I was researching. He was the most patient, giving and loving person. He would just ignore my grandmother when it came to me.

I still search on a regular basis and love family histories. Not just mine, not just my adoptive family's but I love delving into the history of all families. Families are not the same. They all have a past and they all have a story to tell.

Just like genealogy, adoption has a story. The history of it may not be good and it may not be bad but the story is usually the same.

Reunion... What have I learned...

I've been reunited with my birthfamily for almost 11 years now. I've learned that the way you were raised may be different but that you need to have understanding, compassion and alot of patience. Reunions are an emotional rollercoaster with no end.

When I first decided to look for them I knew that I had a 50/50 chance of being accepted or rejected. I was one of the lucky ones where I was accepted. Although I found some similarities, there were alot of differences. Differences that I can accept and ones that they accept but...

I've also learned that I needed to draw lines and boundaries. I'm also learning that it's easy for me to walk away and not look back to some of them. Sad but true.

There's lots of blogs about adoptees with their stories and the emotional side of their reunions. Some happy, some sad, and some downright mad and bitter. Everyone will have an emotional side to their reunion. Some blogs where they walked away from one family because of the "genetic" factor in their lives. This just doesn't make sense to me. I need both families in my life. They complete my life. I've answered my questions of my adoption. That was the original intention wasn't it? To get answers.

So what have I learned....

I've learned that although I was raised by another family other than my biological one, genetics aren't everything. There's enough love for both families and that it's okay to have boundaries when it comes to religion, politics, ways of thinking, etc. The emotions I have and the decisions I make are my own and not governed by either family.

My son will one day meet his biological family. When he does I'm sure that he'll set his own boundaries and have his own kind of emotions. That's the norm for us adoptees. I know that's one thing that worries him and I tell him that it's okay.

Yep, I've said it before... Adoption is an emotional rollercoaster. But as an adoptee you make your life and no one controls it but you.

Why bash adoptive parents?

I think the thing that angers me the most is posts that bash adoptive parents. It must make them feel good to do this because they seem to get a big holier than thou attitude about it.

Adoptive parents go through their own pain. Unless you walk in their shoes you will not understand. Just like I will not understand the pain of a birthmom because I haven't walked in their walk. But as an adult there needs to be a respect for one another in the triad. I see two sides of the coin. I know what it's like to be adopted and I know what it's like to adopt a child.

If my birthmom talked the way some of these birthmom's talk on line I would have no respect for her. It would show me that she is more concerned about her feelings. Being a parent does not mean that you have to give birth but it's the raising, nurturing and love that you have for that child.

My husband's grandmother (on his father's side) died at a young age leaving 3 boys behind. Instead of his grandfather raising the boys they were sent to be wards of the state (one being my husband's father). Was it because there was no family? NO... Was it because he couldn't take care of them? NO... It was because he was a mean "bastard". My husband remembers his grandfather beating up his 3rd wife on the front lawn. He remembers how mean he was to my husband and his brother. He remembers how mean he was to his other children from his 3rd wife. So, what's the excuse there? Those boys were left in a boys home until they came of age. Some life, huh? His father even had alot of animosity towards the situation. I never really got a chance to talk with him about it but the stories I hear would curl your hair. Don't you think that they deserved a family to love them?

So why all the animosity?

It just doesn't make sense to me. I understand the BSE era. I get that. But why the anger all these years? Why take it out on the adoptive parents? What would have happened if there was no such thing as adoption yet the same rules applied as far as keeping the child? What would have happened to the child? Certain countries have the 1 child rule. Would you be able to do away with that child knowing that the government would not allow you to keep it? Remember there's no such thing as adoption so what do you think would have happened to that child? I guess I should be greatful that I'm alive. The world's population would be much smaller than it is right now.

Makes one wonder doesn't it.

Some blogs you will find them using the excuse of adoptive parents abusing and killing their children. This is definitely wrong and they shouldn't be parents. But what about the natural mothers who do the same thing? Does that make it okay? Let's ask little Caylee Anthony. Oh that's right she's sleeping with angels right now.

Not all people should be parents. But there's some that can't raise their children because of whatever reason and some that want families and can't for their own reasons. Neither should be criticized because it's the child that we should be concerned about.

My son is my world. He's one of the best things that came into my life. Maybe it was a little easier because I knew how to deal with questions and such. I love him unconditionally and although I don't agree with everything that he does, he is his own being and makes decisions that's best for him now that he's grown. I accept things and support him.

I'm proud to be an adoptive parent. I'm proud to be an adoptee. I'm proud of the person that I became. There's a reason for everything. Fate has a way of waking us up.

You're Kidding.... Right????

Have you ever come across a person that talks out of both sides of their mouth????

Annoying at best isn't it. But what about the person who will belittle and berate you for your opinions, tell you that you're wrong and then turn around and put on their blog that they don't attack nor judge anyone with other opinions. To me that's a "whack job" with a definite personality disorder. Makes one wonder about their stories and opinions.

Another thing I find amusing is how a person can sit there and write that everyone is welcome to write their own opinions on their own personal blogs but to be careful of "libel". But if you look at that person's blog you will find nothing but "quoted" information from other blogs and then criticism right underneath it. Makes one wonder if that person is really stable or a loose cannon. I tend to think that it's the latter.

I shoot straight from the hip. I will not mince words. So let's start blogging.....

Goodbye my sweet aunt "F" -

In January I lost my aunt "F". She was one of the most sweetest and giving person I've ever met in my life next to my adoptive mom.

My aunt had 3 down syndrome children. She lost her first when "K" was 6 months old back in the late 40's. She raised her other two until their deaths in 2002 and 2009. She had the most unconditional love for them and her family.

When I moved to the central valley back in 2002 I had the opportunity to visit with my aunt frequently and was there for her and my cousin. My aunt is the only sibling of my dad and he worried with my aunt aging and trying to care for my cousin, who was now in her 50's, alone. When my cousin was put into a convalesent home it crushed my aunt more than words could say. She couldn't drive on the highway anymore so I ensured that she was able to see her daughter everyday.

My aunt and I were with my cousin the afternoon before she passed. We were visiting her and my cousin was in and out of it. Everytime she was coherent she's say "hey turn back on the light". Then she would sit up in her bed and try to look around me (I was sitting at the foot of her bed) and wave with this huge smile on her face. As I took my aunt home it dawned on me.... The light, waving as though someone was standing behind me and the smile on her face told me that the end was near. That evening I received a call from my aunt that my cousin had passed. She was devastated.

Months later my aunt was starting to forget things. One evening my hubby and I called her and started worrying because it was after dark and she had a doctor's appointment earlier that day and hadn't returned. We headed towards the house. When we got there the house was dark and no sign of my aunt. I called my dad and was ready to put a missing persons report out on my aunt. Then a cab pulled up. My aunt asked "what are you doing here sweetheart"? I told her that we were worried. Jeff asked her where was her car and she said that she couldn't find it. Come to find out that she left it at the medical building telling the security people that the car right in front was NOT her car. Jeff and I headed over and found her car parked right in front of the building. When we returned she was munching on some chicken and said, "oh, you found it". That's when I knew that something was really wrong. She acted like nothing was wrong.

I received a call 2 days later from my aunt's neighbor saying that she was running down the street after her daughter in her nightgown. Impossible because her daughter was now deceased. I immediately took her to the emergency room for an evaluation. My aunt didn't know the date nor the year. After some testing they said that she couldn't live alone anymore.

I placed her in one of the best facilities. It was a facility where their specialty was for memory patients. She had a beautiful room with a nice bath attached. The dining room was elegant and there were marble tables and paintings that lined the halls of the facility. They had happy hour on Fridays with singing. They had a Wii system and discussion groups. After about a year she started deteriorating and calling the police saying that she was kidnapped and such. We finally put her in the special care unit so they could keep a better eye on her. She needed full time care now.

My aunt feared dying alone and being alone. I made her a promise years prior that I would not let that happen. I loved her and wanted only the best for her.

I visited as much as possible (about every other day). Finally the end started happening and she went into a semi-coma 3 days before she died. My dad didn't even have a chance to say good-bye to her because it happened so fast. He had planned on coming to see her on that Friday, but she passed suddenly on that Thursday afternoon.

I'm relieved that she's in a better place but miss her dearly. I miss talking with her. Picking her brain about stories of her past for the family tree. I miss her laughter and the way she'd ask the same question every 5 minutes because she couldn't remember.

I guess God needed another angel. Sleep with the angels Aunt "F". I love and miss you. Thank you for your unconditional love that you showed me and my family. Thank you for just being you!!!

Does a biological connection make a better parent?

I think alot of adoptees wonder if their lives would have been better if they lived with their biological parents. Not uncommon or unnatural to think this way. Growing up I'd sometimes wonder how my life would have been and now look at my birth siblings and hear the way they were raised. Well I've come to my own conclusion (which I will reveal later in this post), but now I'll let you come to your own conclusion.

Some birthmothers will tell you that their birth children would have been better off with them and that noone can take the place of that biological bond. Maybe so but why? What makes them a better parent? Is it because of the birthing process? Frankly I don't remember going through that process as an infant so that's out. The only one who remembers is the birthmother. Is it the resemblance that one might have with their birth parent(s) or family? Hmmm, I resembled my adoptive brother, so that's a wash. Is it the fact that they think they can love unconditionally? Oh please, I've seen alot of parents who raised their biological children and don't love their kids UNCONDITIONALLY. So that rules that out.

As an adoptee I can't understand mothers who kill their children for their own self satisfaction. There's times that I want to scream and just ask them "what the heck were you thinking?" But then I wonder, would these children have been better off and now alive if they were placed in adoption earlier in life. Maybe not but they'd be alive. I guess that biological bond just didn't matter in those instances. The mother's didn't care that those were their children that they were raising. Makes one wonder doesn't it!

You read about birthmothers who want to kidnap back their children. Ummm let's just damage that kid for their own self serving reasons. Do they even consider the feelings of the child? Of course not.

Then there are birthmothers who really think about what's important.... the child. I respect these women so much because they actually put their feelings aside and did what THEY felt best for the child. Some birthmothers came from families that had so many problems (alcoholism, molestation, abuse, etc) that they wouldn't put their child in those situations. They thought of their children first and foremost. What an original idea!!!

Lastly, there were birthmothers who during the 50's, 60's, 70's that were forced by their parents (not the system) to give up their children because it was shameful back then. I get that. Parents back then were more into their reputation and talk around town then they were of their own children. Okay so why blame the system.

Okay so I've ranted enough for this post.

My conclusion is that I was better off being adopted because I fall under the category where it just wouldn't have been safe for me. My birthmom knew this and although she was offered the help knew that it might become a very un-ideal situation. Although I know that my birthmom would have done a terrific job I hear stories that my siblings tell me. I feel that my life was destiny in the sense that I was raised in a family of love, understanding and that still applies to this day. Although my grandmother (on my adoptive dad's side) did not want them to adopt I did feel the "hate" for the bastard child growing up. But she was a bitter german woman who was set in her ways. My grandpa on the other hand was the opposite. I loved that man and although he's been gone for the last 37 years, there's never a day I don't think about him.

As for being an adoptive mom..... My son means the world to me. I may not understand the way he thinks at times, but what parent does. He's turned out to be a loving man who dreams big. And I've always told him to follow his dreams and never give up on them. He's sensitive, smart and has the cutest cheshire grin. I know that his birthmom would have done a terrific job with him but she was young and already had a young child. My heart goes out to her and the pain that she must be enduring. I hope that one day my son will be able to help relieve her pain just a little by letting her into his life. That's a hard decision was us adoptees. I don't think it's the fact of wanting to hurt your adoptive family but let's face it.... the unknown is pretty scary.

The fact remains that adoptive parents can and probably will make the same mistake(s) that birthparents make. Biology is only of the physical sense and not the emotional. It takes more than biology to be a parent. It takes nurturing, love and compassion. Unfortunately, there's some that have none of these qualities and shouldn't be parents at all.

So what's your conclusion?

Yes... I'm back and ready to blog... Bring it on and get ready because I'm really tired of the anti-adoption realm.......

Musing with the Inept...

For years now I have been on the computer reading about adoption and the effects of it. I've read the good stories, the bad stories and the complete rantings of the "inept". Musings of sort from people who can only demean and deface others. While in the same sentence or post try to make themselves out as the martyrs of our society.

I've read blogs where they take religion and politics and turned them into adoption issues. Postings where adoptees are brainwashed and lives are ruined by people who raised them as their own. Sentences where they use the words "self serving" for the adoptive parents and the term "fresh, warm and still damp" babies as those innocent creatures who did not have a say or vote of what happens to them.

As an adoptee, I have the utmost respect and love for my birthmother. I understand and accept the reasons for "HER" decision. I hold no grudges or animosity towards her. I have compassion for her as she has for me. She understands that I have a dual life with another family who raised me as their own and showed me the love and morals that they showed their own birth children. Not once has she said a negative word about them. Not once has she tried to brainwash me into thinking that they are bad people. And frankly I think if she did I would not have the same respect for her.

As an adoptive mom, I have a child who was raised with unconditional love. He attends one of the finest Universitites and I have compassion, love and I understand the hurt and sorrow that his birthmom must have felt and probably is still feeling. I have never said anything negative about his birthmom nor would I ever. What would that accomplish? He will have to form his own opinion and draw his own lines when he does meet them. My hubby and I both encourage our child that it's okay to have feelings about it and that it's okay for him to want to meet his birthfamily. We both feel it's a very important part of his life that we don't want him to miss out. But I will not push him when he's not ready. I will not ask him to live my dream for him to meet them. It's his choice and his feelings about it. But I will always be there for him. No matter what!!!!

So, why this blog???

Because I'm tired of being quiet. I'm tired of birthmothers speaking out for adoptees and adoptive parents. I'm tired of being crucified and not fighting back. This is a way for us to be heard and not have to hear back from them and their martyr attitudes.

I really think that they should look up the word martyr and some of the names behind that title. They don't even come close to them.

On another note please don't miscontrue that this applies to all birthmothers. I've talked to alot of birthmoms who don't share the view of those that are disgruntled. They too are appalled and frankly ashamed to be part of their realm. They don't like the fact that they use the term "all" when it comes to being a birth parent. There's alot of them that didn't like the fact that some went looking for their birth children when they were underage and asked to wait until the child became 18. They understood why but worried for the child. If you think about it some are on the opposite side of the spectrum where they share the same bond. Strange but true.

With that said now I ask you..... Who's self serving?

Losing Your Best Friend

There's been so many monumental things that have happened in my life. Most are good things and some I've really struggled to understand their meanings. Adoption is an issue that is dear to my heart in alot of respects. But family and friends whether their adopted or not mean so much more to me.

I have friends in my life that have been there since I was a little girl. We all grew up in the same church and/or parochial school (except for a few). Unfortunately because of our lives, families and professions, time just doesn't allow us to be together very often. I wish there was more time in the day, week or even month to just sit down and chit chat... but it never seems to happen.

I have one friend that her and I talk when we can on myspace.com or by e-mail. She and I both have 17 year olds that will be graduating in June. Boy, does that make us feel old and we've known each other since we were in... gosh kindergarten (I think). Time has just flown by fast. We used to get into a "little" trouble when we were teenagers (tee hee). Hey "G" you know what I'm talking about if you're reading - lol. G and I just recently found out that we're related through my amom. G's uncle married my mom's cousin - WILD isn't it? All that time and we never knew.

I have another friend that lives about 80 miles from me and we talk on the phone when we can. It's not that often but it's the only time our schedule permits. We've known each other for about 27 years (ugh did I just say that) - Shout out to "L" too.....

Another one of my friends since we were 10 years old has flown the coop and I've had to walk away from our friendship. It saddened me, but I can't be a friend to someone who can't help themselves and it affects me, my family and hers in a HUGE monumental way. I pray in my heart that she gets the help that she needs and deserves.

That brings me to my best friend growing up. However, I lost her to an overdose when I was 15 years old and she was 16. Cathy was my parents godchild and I knew her from the day I was adopted. We grew up together (what time we did have), went places together, did things together and got in trouble together. Cathy and I were "thick as thieves" growing up. Our families were intertwined and still are to this day. Cathy's parents recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary and her sister became a grandma. I just couldn't bring myself to attend. The thoughts of partying and her not being there just drudged up alot of hurt and pain inside me.

A site that I frequent has a "psychic" reader on it. And I asked for a reading. She came back with answers to my questions then starting asking me questions about someone that was coming through to her. I was freaked at most because she started asking questions about a "C" person. The questions became clear and evident that it was Cathy coming through to her. What made me believe was when I posted an answer to something she came back and asked "did you ask her to make herself known" (not exact words)? And I started laughing because at the time I so wanted to hear from Cathy so before I logged onto the site I whispered "okay kiddo if this is you make yourself known and quit fooling around" (I swear this happened). That's when I read what she asked on the site. It blew me away. Through that reading I learned some things regarding her death. I always questioned whether it was an accident, on purpose or foul play (because of where she was and the situation she was in). The answer was accident. That she "couldn't pull herself back".

I often wonder what Cathy's and my life would be like now. She has a beautiful daughter that was born about 6 months before her passing. The funny thing is when Cathy's daughter arrived in the states she had beautiful brown eyes and brown hair. Nothing like Cathy who was blonde and blue eyed. Then I look at Cathy's sisters daughter who was the spitting image of Cathy when she was little. Both daughters are grown now and having children of their own.

I never had the chance to pay my final respects to Cathy either. Her body was buried in Guatemala where she lived and I suppose her husband is buried right beside her (he was killed a couple years after her death). I want to visit her and talk to her. I want her to know how much I miss her but I suppose she already knows. I can hear her in the back of my mind saying "what the hell is wrong with you" and then chuckling the way she did. Cathy loved my parents. She used to call my dad "uncle Al the kiddies pal" (his name was Al).

I will never understand this loss and I don't think I'll ever get over it. Some say in the adoption world that "at least death brings closure". I question this because in adoption you at least have that chance to meet again one day on this earth. In death you will only meet in the afterlife.

Well, I won't say good-bye to Cathy, but I will say "so long my friend until we meet again - I miss you".

A Happy Day!!!!!

Our son is of a closed adoption. Unfortunately, in the late 80's that was common and open adoptions were a dime a dozen and not understood like they are now. I wish that I would have known more about open adoption.

I've been preparing our son to one day meet his firstmom "D". I still remember her smile and sweet persona the day we met her. A day that will live in my heart and be forever etched in my mind.

I called the agency when he was 15 and talked with a worker there who pulled his file for me. I wanted to know if "D" had been in contact with them and if I could send some pictures and such. They informed me that she had not contacted them after the first year or two of the adoption. It saddened me in alot of ways because once I reconnected with my birthfamily I realized that I didn't want our son to wait 37 years like I did to once again meet his first mom and family that I knew would be wondering about his whereabouts, health and just plain well being. It was then that I found out that the mutual contact age agreed upon was 21 and not 18 (not that 18 mattered). I immediately changed it. Although I wanted "Anytime" replaced with 21 they told me that they set it at 18 but would contact me immediately if "D" showed interest.

I then told our son what I had done and he informed me that he had no interest in reuniting and was more concerned about puberty and high school. I guess in a way I understood because puberty and teenage years really suck. You're no longer a child and not quite an adult. It's a trying time to say the least. So I once again had to put that thought of reunion on the back burner in my mind. My hubby finally said "honey it's your dream not his". And then it hit me... He's right!!! It is my dream and I want it to be his.

Now our son is 17 and I brought up the subject again. His answer was "okay mom, once I'm in college you can make the arrangements". Then I explained to him what I told the agency about how she was welcome to call us if she ever contacted them. I told him ""A" you may just get a call from your firstmom any day". The nice thing is it didn't shock him, anger him or anything. But I did see a little smile and my heart just melted because I realized that it's his dream as well.

Oh Happy Day!!!

Hi everyone -

Sorry I haven't been blogging lately. It's been a very busy summer at work and home. I'll be up and blogging REAL soon!!!